Hi everyone, Today is almost 2 weeks since my surgery. In just 2 more days it will be 2 weeks. That just doesn't sound right to me. It has gone by so quickly. My recovery has gone well. I did sleep a lot at first. I am having a tough time with my pouches. I don't like the one piece but it seems to stick the best but also seems to be really bad about eventually leaking. Later on today I am gonna get my shower and take off the bag. I think I will just leave it off for a while so the skin can breathe.
I am having phantom pains. Today has been the worst. I am ok right now but earlier I was having really bad phantom pain. I want my pain to be gone!! That was the whole purpose of having a Radical Cystectomy. I just want to ask for yours prayers that this phantom pain will stop. I really just want to have a normal life. As normal as it can be. I know that having an external pouch and no bladder changes who I am. But not in my heart. I am still the same person and I don't feel different than the person next to me who does still have a bladder. I just want to pain to go away. I am really getting tired of fighting it. LEAVE ME ALONE PAIN!!!!! I want to enjoy my life without pain. Right now in this very moment I feel great. I just want it to stay that way.
Thank you to everyone who reads my blog. I know you might not read what you would like my blog to say but this is life and I have to accept it as it is. I can ask for prayers and pray myself for the phantom pain to go away and that is all I want at this point. I love my IC friends and I pray for you everyday!!!!
I wanted stop by and give you encouragement. I first want you to know that this means no ill harm against you nor am I posting here as some sort of revenge, as some people sometimes do. In spite of any hurtful words/actions that were exchanged, God had changed something in me tonight. I also know that when two people are under a great deal of stress, they sometimes say and do things they don't mean. And sometimes they act in ways they never thought possible. We all would not be in need of a Savior if we were perfect. (Romans 3:23, Philippians 1:6).
ReplyDeleteIn spite of the past, I was thinking of you lately and was wondering how your surgery went. I am glad to hear that you pulled through and recovered quickly but am sorry to hear of your phantom pain. I have been told by others that the phantom pain does get better and goes away in time, but not before the brain fights you tooth and nail first.
You are dealing with a lot of emotions also, one being that of an amputee. You are right, you are not the same person, but reformed in a new way here on this imperfect, practice Earth. Only when we get to Heaven will we be in perfect working form again and He will wipe every tear from our eye. You had a major surgery for one thing. You made the right decision as you best as you humanly knew. Though you may have some emotional and physical side effects, like me, you had a lot at stake. Like me, you also were dealing with severe retention and catheters. Medicare only covers 1 foley catheter per month. We are not getting any younger. Imagine if we had to face another surgery to where we were bedridden for months. Then imagine having to use the same dirty foley catheter for all that time, or covering the expense of new ones? I would take a leaking urosotomy bag over that any day. :)
Remember when I once wrote that none of us can be 100% sure of our destiny. It's not about the destiny, but the journey. If we truly remain like soft clay in the Master Potter's hands, we will not be crushed or broken when things don't go our way. We'll allow God in his sovereignty and wisdom to mold us, reshape us, and redirect us according to his plan, as he sees fit. (Jer 18:6).
Lastly, I have thought more about posting here more in depth tonight, as God reminded me of a few things. First, that Gods word tells us we are to bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances we may have against one another. And that we are to forgive as God forgave us. (Colossians 3:13).
Most importantly and in closing, I would like to extend an apology. I am sorry for hurting you. It is a gift just as God gave his free gift us. You are not required to accept it or return it, and you are free to do with it as you wish just as God desires our free will to him. I don't know what the future will hold for either of us, but I have confidence that God does and that He is with us always. I would not hold any future resentment where your feelings take you.
Whatever path or journey life takes you, I still think you are a wonderful woman with a great heart who truly desires to help others. I know that you did not mean the things you said and that you were dealing with a great deal of stress and uncertainty yourself. I will continue to pray for your needs and that God will lead your doctor to work with you on a medication to help you with your phantom pain while your brain adjusts through this recovery period.
God bless you & in prayer,
Susan